The emotional ice jam has broken. I am well on the way to healing the emotional pain after the devastating loss of my first grandson to be. Life must continue, even though it continues without the love of someone who never had a chance. Emotional pain is a powerful force.
There are times when I think that emotional pain is an overpowering thing; it kills my passion, my creativity and my sex drive. It can literally take control of me and rob me of my ability to experience or feel anything; the first to wither is my sexual desire. When I think of it in this context, sexual desire is like a flower that needs perfect conditions to thrive and bloom. In the presence of emotional pain it desiccates and withers, its petals cast off to blow away in the wind of anguish that killed it. Yet at other times I think just the opposite that desire and lust can grow out of pain. That sexual love becomes a safe haven to reestablish what is important to me and reaffirm why I am alive.
Certainly people in the S and M community know that the threshold between physical pain and sexual pleasure is finite. The closer one gets to that threshold the more blurred the line becomes and the less one cares where it is. I have learned this last week that the same applies to emotional pain and erotic pleasure. Sex has been off the table for me for many days since this tragedy in our family. A hiatus of weeks with no mmo and no partner sex is very unusual for me. But in all fairness I wasn’t in the mood. But there was a turn of events that set the stage for J and I to seek the solace of sharing sexual passion as a means to try and put the world sight and seek ways to strengthen our relationship to get through this time.
This sexual journey I am on has been a string of revelations year after year, documented in notebooks and blog entries.
In light of that it somehow seems appropriate for me to use this 100th entry to acknowledge the emotional loss of last week and the diminished sex drive in the face of a pain that put me into the depths of despair but at the same time ignited the passionate force that binds J and I together. Writing is also a balm for me. I thought I would stay away from this for an extended period of time, but I can’t, just as I couldn’t stay away from sex.
Friday night we had tickets to a local college production of “Our Town”. We had bought them well before the loss described in the previous post. In that we had the tickets we assumed it would be a good diversion. Neither of us could cry anymore. We had run out of tears.
For those who have not seen it, “Our Town” is about the appreciation of life and savoring the beauty around us, among several other themes. The closing act deals with death, patience and values. It was a fitting thing for us to watch in light of where we were.
The theatre is two short blocks from our house, so we walked. When the play was over at 9:30PM we decided to stop and pick up some coffee and to go and walk to the park at the lake which is 3 long blocks from the theater. So we sat on a bench over looking the water under a street lamp in the cool night air. We didn’t say very much, we just sat and looked at the water reflecting the lights of the houses on the other side of the lake. The surface of the lake was inky black and quiet, very similar to my thoughts. A mating pair of geese were floating in the water in front us. I wondered what troubles they shared. Maybe they were planning their nest and worrying about the outrages that their young ones that would be facing in the cruel world.
Then I thought about the play we just saw and concluded that these beautiful sleek creatures were probably just enjoying the dark quiet of the night and each others company, just like we were. There is great solace being with one you love when life is provoking your happiness. I felt very peaceful sitting there with my arm around J. When you have been with someone for so long silent handholding or cuddling can say so much more than words. So she put her head on my shoulders and cuddled against me to fit off the spring chill that hung in the air.
My mind wandered to our kids so far away hoping that they were finding some solace at that moment as we were. They have a good marriage and this tragedy has brought them together in a major way. I was gratified thinking that that was a worthwhile gain for this awful loss.
Then unexpectedly J raised her head from my shoulder and lifted her lips toward me, inviting a kiss. Again from our years together, intuitively I knew that was what she needed now more than anything. Like a trout swimming in the still water, I sensed the delicate temptation of her desire alighting on the still quiet surface of my consciousness.
Our lips merged. Her warm soft lips expressed her femininity in a subtle but powerful way. I lingered on them sharing the breath of her desire, drawing it into my lungs like the heady smoke of an exotic drug. We kissed sweetly, dwelling on the intoxicating effect that our kiss was having on both of us. There was something so public and daring about this kiss. Despite the darkness we were illuminated by the lamp above us. Kisses like the one we shared are usually reserved for the privacy of our bedroom, this was very public. It was extremely romantic and we are both incurable romantics.
It was a kiss of hunger, a kiss to quell the pain of the weeks outrages; a kiss that filled an aching void in me for reassurance. I had a deep hunger to know that all was going to be ok. My heart slowed. At the same time her desire, adoration and passion for me remained on my lips like sweet wine; my cock erected in response to resonating passion that was filling me up. Indeed in the midst of the loving merger of our lips the peace and arousal rose in me in equal measure.
When we broke that magic connection I sighed. After sitting and savoring the sensation that was wrapping around me for a few minutes, we got up and walked home, hand in hand. The streets were quiet. The only sound was coming from the patio of theInnon the corner near the park, where a guitar player sang plaintively of places traveled, loves lost and time gone by. We walked silently by, trying to avoid thinking of our own loss and time past.
She had ignited a tiny flame in me; it was that old familiar flame of desire. As I felt it flickering inside of me I welcomed it like an old friend, unseen for too long a time. As we walked the flame grew and grew. At this bitter moment, her sweet kiss had kindled a need for her. Not the need that could be satisfied by a kiss but a need to be with her, be in her and be a part of her. I felt guilty that I was feeling this need to make love to her and seek the succor of her warm delicate sexuality. But I could not help it.
When we got home we both showered and met in the bedroom in our robes, ready for bed. As she took her robe off to retrieve her nightgown I went her and embraced her and whispered: “no night gown now please”. I opened my robe and wrapped it around her pressing her naked body against mine. Her skin was warm against me. My cock was stiff and extended out from me; as I wrapped the flap of the robe around us and drew her to me my cock pressed against her belly.
I put my hand behind her head and guided her lips to mine again. I felt the cinders of passion rise in me and heat my desire to steam. My cock filled with the hefty weight of passion, it lengthened and hung from my groin as it remembered this welcome sensation of desire realized. She melted in my arms, I felt her body relax and fall against me. Her legs struggled to keep her up and maintain the divine connection to my passion. I held her up and kissed her gain, this time not delicately but like a lion who had pounced on a helpless gazelle and was devouring her. Obviously I did not rip flesh from her, instead I stripped the distraction of emotional pain, worry and the distraction of guilt for not being with her child at a time of need. Especially I ripped away her self consciousness and her vulnerability; all that was left of her was the barest essence of love for me and the delicate blush of her own feminine need to be loved, cherished, reassured and cared for. It was a desire to seek the familiar balm of my love.
My cock was drooling and throbbing and heavy with lust. As the kiss deepened I felt as if I was drinking cool water in the parching sun. I sucked in her desire like it was going to keep me alive, and it was. I drank it in big gulps as I held her and drained her of all distraction leaving her panting in desire.
I reached down between her thighs to massage her wetted pearl. My finger found her pussy mouth swollen and open, drooling with the same slick hunger that was seeping from the slit in my cock. I made little circles around it reveling in the warm wet honey that was oozing from her swollen lips. Her pelvis began to gyrate following the path of my finger. Our lips were still merged but suddenly she stopped kissing me and she groaned into my mouth.
I freed her lips and she immediately buried her face in the crook of my neck. I held her tightly and changed my circular massage of her hardened nub to a stroking motion under her glans, occasionally plucking her clit like it was a guitar string that would sound sweet notes, and it did. She moaned quietly acknowldging the sensation vibrating in her.
She usually needs penetration to cum, but she didn’t now. In it cruel and kind way her pain had prepared her for the agonizing sweet experience of impassioned sexual love. The bathrobe fell away from both of us and I dropped to my knees before her, like a pliant subject worshipping at an altar. It was the only altar I ever cared about, the most sacred place I ever want to be in. I put one hand on one of her cheeks holding her as if her bum was the bottom of a jug of wine and I was tilting the jug to decant the sweetest brew from it. I was decanting her passion, and she began to rock against my face to give me all that she could.
Her hand was on the back of my head pushing my lips into her flower and grinding against my face. This sensation that was taking control of her was so raw and sensual that she accommodated it not gently but with the aggressive pursuit of a woman enraged with anguish, who was intent on vanquishing that anguish with agonizing pleasure. Nothing mattered to her more now that the experience of sexual pleasure.
I pursed my lips in a the shape of an O and pressed then against the hardened fleshy nub at the top of her pussy and drew it into my lips. I suckled it with love and desire. I drew on it as if it were the source of a mysterious ointment to heal my pain and the ache of sexual desire that was hanging and throbbing between my thighs.
Her erected clit was exposed from under its little hood; it had exposed itself blatantly to seek relief from the divine ache that stiffened it. and began to draw on it as if it was going to yield milk. I wrapped my tongue around it and began to stroke the underside of it with my tongue. Her legs began to tremble and she left out a groaning growl that was followed by pelvic thrusts that told me an orgasm was winding up deep inside her drooling pussy with a ferocity and willfulness that was robbing her of all coherent thought. I know her response so well. Her quivering canal was open welcoming the delicious tension that was winding up inside of her as I massaged her clit with the warm wet surface of my tongue. I slid my finger into her gapping mouth and began to stroke the roughen patch inside her pussy, I felt it crinkle up and swell under my finger. As it did, she leaned forward on my shoulders to steady her self as she welcomed ecstasy with the gratitude of a starving woman at a feast.
The orgasm drilled into her with sweet vengeance, causing her legs to shake and her ass to tense up and clench as she pushed against the dual provocation of my finger and my tongue as they tantalized her most secret sensual places and coaxed her to accept the white hot anguish of orgasmic relief.
As the waves of ecstasy pounded on her she succumbed and visited that euphoric place that she goes in her mind when orgasmic power takes over her body and transports her to a place inside herself that is hidden in the recesses of her consciousness. She feebly steadied herself by putting her hand on my shoulders while she humped my face with abandon as the crescendo of exquisite sensation squeezed her pussy, and made her honey drip in a stream as her climax crested and waned.
I stood up and guided her weakened legs to the bed where I pulled the covers over us both.
She lay there next to me still woozy from the climax that just consumed her. I stroked her head, running my fingers through her hair and kissing her forehead. She began to kiss my neck and whisper the quietest affirmations of adoration as she ran her fingers through my chest hair, deliberately finding my nipples with her middle finger. With the delight of a child finding a long forgotten toy she teased them to erection. She knows the power of my nipples in my erotic consciousness. Each flick of my hardened brown nub detonated a shock wave of desperately exquisite sensation deep inside my asshole that spread across my body eliciting chills of pleasure on my skin.
In a matter of moments I felt the sensation a large pulsing hot rock forcing its way past my asshole, pushing deep into my rectum. That rock was rhythmically throbbing, each pounding spasm leaving a pounding echo of pleasure that reverberated inside of me. The echoes were getting louder and more resonant as they clustered. The base of my cock began to throb with the metronome beat of the arousal that was thrumming inside my anal canal.
Sensation was flicking my rectum now. My anal opening was tingling as if tiny delicate fingers were teasing it and tantalizing it. In response it began to contract and release as if it was trying to grasp the willful pleasure that was taunting it. As the tongue of sensual desire flicked at my opening, I felt the pleasure creeping into me, tracing a path to the prize, the swollen throbbing gland deep inside my canal.
I embraced J with the desperate of a drowning man lost in a sea of overwhelming ecstasy. The sensations were rushing into my anus and making my prostate beat a heavy rhythm of building multiple orgasm. At the same time my cock was absorbing the heat and eroticism of her femininity.
She broke my embrace and lifted her body to lay on top of me, pressing my cock against her belly. As I held her I experienced an embrace that was as erotic and sensual as any sexual experience or orgasm I had ever had. My adoration for her was total.
Lost in the haze of emotions I suddenly was snapped back to reality to find her straddling my thighs with my cock lodged in her warm pussy mouth. Only moments earlier those lush lips had kissed my own mouth. Deftly she pushed herself down onto my spike, forcing it past her wet lips. I felt my cockhead slide into her effortlessly. I was home.
The sensation of sliding into her was divine. A sensation of warmth and love spread across me. She leaned over and whispered her adoration in my ear as I impaled her. I was suddenly overcome with the heat of her deepest more secret place and the warmth of her breath in my ear as she filled my head with loving and filthy images. Instead of feeling like I was going to fill her with my cum, I felt as if my cock was absorbing her desire and her adoration. I was being filled with lust from both my cock and my ass.
We have made love literally thousands of times. This time was different. As I penertrated her I felt that I was one with her, that our pleasure was truly being shared and we were drinking pleasure and passion in equal measure from the same cup.
The sensation of building orgasm was a torrent rushing into me from both sides. I felt a rope of pleasure that tied my cock head to my anus. The spasms of ecstasy that were expanding and tugging at my asshole, simultaneously tugged at my cock. The syncopated rhythm of sweet anguish had laid claim to my sex organs. And still I could feel the springs of orgasmic tension continuing to tighten inside of me.
Not satisfied with their dominion over my cock and asshole the waves of building pleasure continued to rush into my asshole and cock and fill my entire body. My skin was tingling and my heart was racing; every muscle in my body was tingling in anticipation.
My cockhead was deep inside her; I felt the warm wet caress of her deepest most feminine place embracing my swollen head. In response to her tender caress of my stiffened shaft, my cockhead gave her deepest most sensual place soft safe kisses. I felt that I was kissing her soul.
As reality drifted away I sensed that my body was melting into her pussy and that the smoldering pleasure that was filling my body was her pleasure. I imagined that I ceased to exist and that the orgasms that were winding up in me were not mine but hers. And as the waves crested inside my asshole and cascaded into seemingly relentless strings of euphoric sensation, I imagined that I was her orgasm. My body was now in her possession and that my body was nothing more than her pleasure.
I was fully in a sea of multiple orgasms, tethered to the source of the pleasure, her wanton pussy by my cock. As I was tempest tossed in the recurring crescendos of sweet anguish my mind went back into the haze of euphoria. I lay there and surrendered to the tsunami of seething hot erotic sensation that was rising around me and inside of me. I was immobilized by the rising and falling tide of orgasmic pleasure and I became one with that pleasure.
As the MMO’s rushed into my asshole, it convulsed as it greedily accepted them. I clung to her and shuddered over and over again. The long fingers of her pleasure were deep in my anal cavity and they were coaxing stroking and squeezing my anguished prostate. It relinquished its pleasure and wept a stream of precum in her pussy. The spasms did not let up, they continued for some amount of time. I lost track as they drove me deep and deeper into euphoric haze.
Dozens and dozens of searing spasms took control of me. My world consisted of the pleasure that was washing and out of my body through my convulsing asshole. I felt was the steaming passion of orgasmic sensation and J’s soft sexy body as I held onto her as the only cherished object that I needed. I shuddered and quivered and groaned and stiffened in the multiple crescendos that pounded me.
I drifted from crashing wave to crashing wave on this sea of sensation until J began to fear that I might have a heart attack. She began to stroke my head and urge me to calm myself. As consciousness filled my head I diverted my attention to the room around me and my sweet lady.
She got off of me and lay down next to me. I breathed deeply and tried to calm the orgasmic spasms that continued to express their will on me in the absence of the caress of her pussy. As I cooled down, the MMO’s retreated and left my anus buzzing. She grasped my stiff cock in her hand, the hand that I admire for its slender delicacy. My cock was slick with her cum and my precum. The slippery coating that covered my reddened hard penis provided perfect lube for her hand to slide up and down my shaft with pauses at the apex of her strokes to make tiny circles under my cockhead, teasing my frenulum.
I was so aroused from an hour of MMO pleasure that the path to ejaculation was a very short one. In a few minutes the final orgasm reached deep into me and squeezed my seething prostate. In response ropes of white pearlesent cum were hurled into the air to splash on my belly and the sheets as they found their way earthward. I released a stream of hot passion that granted me welcome relief and put my boiling desire to peace.
As I lay there exhausted and spent I felt closeness to her that I hadn’t felt for many months.
That was three nights ago. I sit here on Sunday afternoon recalling the heated passion of that night. There alongside the recollection of passion shared is a deeper more meaningful thought. It is the thought of her standing next to me yesterday as we were waiting at the doors for an event we were attending. She was elegantly dressed in an ivory linen suit that displayed her long lithe body and her sensual femininity in a tasteful but sensual way. I think how sophisticated she looked and how much I love her, no adore her.
As the warm memories of that night still resonate inside of me, I am reassured. The retelling of the sensual evening we spent in each others arms has made my cock stiffen. With the feelings of warm adoration glowing in me and the heat of sexual sensation still resonating in my rectum and cock, I know that everything is going to be ok. Life is indeed returning to normal, and this 100th post is proof positive.