As I have said many times in the last year here, this has been quite a trip. The process of discovering and revealing my sexuality has been like peeling an onion, fortunately without the tears LOL. Each layer I uncover reveals another wonderful arousing layer beneath it. The process of discovering each layer is both simultaneously arousing and enlightening. The writing about it here adds to the experience by allowing me time and quiet to ponder each experience and savor its eroticism and sweetness. While my writing may not be the highest quality, it is honest; and it is very arousing to me.
It is funny that the analytics at Word Press indicate that penis cock and dick are the words that I have used the most in Linghaman’s Log. I find that ironic as my cock has not been the primary focus of my sexual discovery process. Without a doubt, the awakening of my anus as a sex organ was perhaps the crowning achievement of the last 17 years. The process of becoming anally orgasmic has been a somewhat difficult effort but the work has been blissful to say the least.
Now after several years of erotic work, I can honestly say now that I prefer anal orgasms to penis centered ones. I use the term awakening because that is what it is. The original equipment that is there now giving me pleasure has always been there. It was just a process of connecting to it with my mind and learning how to enervate it and use it to experience pleasure. My anus is now just as sexually responsive as my cock has always been. The difference is that my anus is a receptacle not a probe; to experience pleasure from it I had to learn to be passive and receive pleasure. In addition, because the locus of an anal orgasm is inside my body as opposed to outside in my cock, the orgasmic pleasure is trapped inside of me and forced to saturate my body. The sensation of feeling a contained orgasm was entirely new for me as a man. These two factors have made me much more understanding of female sexual response.
As a guy who is moving from middle age into his senescence it is reassuring to know that if I ever develop ED and lose the ability to have erections that my preferred mode of experiencing sexual pleasure is still available to me. An erection is irrelevant in an MMO.
Right along with anal orgasm as a “cornerstone “discovery of my emerging sexuality is MMO; never in my wildest dreams in my 20’s, 30’s or 40’s could I have imagined that I would be able to experience the deep rapture and seemingly relentless waves of pleasure that are the gift of MMO. Even more so that I now have daily MMO sessions without inserting anything in my anus; my MMO’s are self induced. This is something that has only occurred in the last 3 years.
In an MMO session the pleasure is so deep and intense that I am transported. I often refer to oceans, waves, rushing water and floating in these entries. That reference is because an MMO for me is very much a process of being surrounded by the warm pleasure and being carried away; I feel like I am floating away and losing touch with the real world; time has no meaning. Two hours can disappear in what seems like seconds. I drift off to this place in my head that I can only describe as euphoria. Unlike a penile ejaculatory orgasm which offers a flash of relief to desperate need, an MMO offers an experience that is almost like a drug induced state.
In a good MMO session I will go for 1 to 2 hours in chains of modulating orgasmic pleasure spasms. Each spasm has a climb to its peak, once it peaks it resounds in enraptured echoes that reverberate inside me after the crescendo resounds. Many times the climax of an MMO will give me chills at the same time it licks at my arousal, teasing and taunting it to do more and experience more pleasure. Part of the MMO process has also been the discovery of my nipples as accessories to my orgasm; in recent months they have also become the source of some of my orgasms. Toggling or teasing my nipples in the early stage of MMO amplifies the pleasure exponentially or initiates it if I am having a slow time getting started.
My nipples are perhaps the bridge between MMO and wet orgasms with J. She has discovered the profoundly erotic response of my nipples to being sucked (by her in particular). A hand job accompanied by her sucking my nipples to erection will ignite an explosive orgasm that will yield a flow of cum that is so copious and voluminous sometimes, it scares her or many times at least surprises her.
But perhaps the most significant reaffirmation in this trip has been the discovery of the power of my brain as the largest sex organ in my body. My brain and the visions I project and the mood that I put myself in are responsible for lifting me into the bliss of MMO. Once there, my thoughts and mind body control skills allow me to embrace the MMO like it is a precious jewel and carry it in directions that further amplify sensations or unveil new pleasures; each new direction yields some new sensation or bodily response that I never knew I could do or that I had. This is where I am now in the 7 year long MMO process. It is relatively easy for me to launch into full blown pleasure waves now. The challenge that I am now embracing is guiding those pleasure waves and the pumping pulsing orgasms that punctuate them to different directions to allow them to express themselves in my body with joyous exhilaration, mellow ecstasy or resonating nirvana.
The power of my brain as a sex organ is also at the core of one of the most self affirming parts of this trip. That is my desire for and need for intimacy.
Early in my coming of age, pornography played a key role in my sexual expression. It was primarily a means to get my cock hard quickly which allowed me to tug on my cockhead assiduously to yield the prize, a prodigious flow of cum and the resulting blip of pleasure it offered. What I lacked in depth of feeling I made up for in repetition; I would look at porn seven or eight times a day and cum as much.
What I found over many years was that porn was like a drug; porn is a ladder addiction. What got me hard as a teen didn’t anymore in my twenties. What aroused me in my 30’s didn’t in my 40’s. I found my self seeking more titillating and sometimes grotesque or violent scenes to arouse me. Then after many years it lost its allure. I still found it interesting but it didin’t get me hard and it got kind of boring quickly. Eventually I found that although porno was interesting it lost its ability to ring my chimes.
When I got to the point that images of fucking or videos of blow jobs didn’t do it for me anymore that (and several other milestones) was one of the signals that told me I needed to take this journey. That realization opened the door for me to connect with the true gift of this journey, the importance of intimacy to me. Intimacy and the window that I have opened to feel, relish, savor, experience and communicate that intimacy has been one of the great joys of the journey.
Intimacy has become a cornerstone of my sex life now. I do not pursue any pleasurable experience unless it is accompanied by intimacy. Even more interesting is the fact that I can have a profoundly sexual experience and garner deep pleasure from it without having an orgasm, or an MMO.
Intimacy is experienced in cuddling with J naked in bed and realizing that orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal. When that cuddling stiffens my cock and makes it drool with desire, I have learned to savor that arousal and using mind body control, direct that desire from being one of desperation to one of bathing myself in the quiet lush sensation of sexual love.
Intimacy also comes in sharing my sexual thoughts with a handful of people that I have met on line. Despite the fact that this blog probably gives one the impression that I am a foaming at the mouth sex fiend, I am not. I am a very conservative appearing guy who looks like any other guy you might meet at work or in school or in a family event. Beneath that reserved exterior for most of my adolescent and adult life I hid a deeply sexual person. J can only stand so much of my yammering about my sexuality before it becomes fatiguing. As much as she loves me and it, after a while it loses its appeal to her. So having friends through the internet to share my deepest most intimate thoughts with has become a real gift.
The internet offers this unique anonymity. It protects me from embarrassment and it offers a wall for me to hide behind as I admit to another person what turns me on, how it feel sexually, and how I think about them; it offers intimacy with anonymity. This is an amazing success of modern technology. It also has allowed me to discuss some very edgy and “out there” aspects of my sexuality that I would never admit to anyone, even J. Yet despite the close intimacy I share with on line friends I have never met any of them except for one wonderful young woman. And if she is reading this entry she knows how important she is in my life. The amazing thing about these 3 or 4 special people is I will never physically touch them intimately but I have touched them very intimately with my mind.
Intimacy has also come in the gift of this blog. Writing and sharing my thoughts with all of you my readers has been one of the unexpected joys of this journey. I never thought I would commit to something like this and stay with it; but I have. Making these entries has offered opportunities for me to not only share my intimate thoughts with you but it has also allowed me time to organize those thoughts, savor them and express them. The process has been enlightening for me and I hope for you as well. Moreover, the process of committing to words what has until now been trapped in my head is very arousing. Case in point as I sit here this morning typing this, my semi erect cock is drooling pre cum and my anus is pulsing and aching for MMO. Unfortunately I missed doing an MMO this morning.
It has been a wonderful trip and the next leg of the journey will be as revealing and arousing as the last one I am sure. I look forward to it.
In closing I ask one favor of all of you, my readers, the several hundred of you who follow this blog. If I have piqued your interest or arousal with these entries, please comment. I know that there are many many of you out there but I never hear from you. If I have made you think or inspired you to look at sex differently or if you just have something you want to share ….please do. Part of intimacy for me is the interactive nature of it. I think you will find that making comments that expose your own sexual proclivities and deepest thoughts can be very arousing.
Peace and intimacy to all of you for the coming New Year.