What Is It Like to Be Me?

I have 4 good friends on line; three women and a guy. I am so lucky to have them. They are such a diverse group; they have nothing in common with each other. However we all have two things in common; first they all have an abiding love of sex, sensuality and human intimacy and second, each of them likes me and I like each of them. I relish their friendship for many reasons, but one of the significant reasons is that I can be totally open with them about my sexual thoughts, erotic experiences and intimate actions.

I have only met one of these 4 on line friends in person; we got together twice. The first time we spent an afternoon together in NYC visiting and enjoying each others company and the second time I stayed with her for several days in her home in the UK, with no hanky panky other than frank and open conversation about intimacy, our lives and very moving hugs. The other three I have never met in person. I am not a superficial person; I do not have a spate of friends in real life, just a few really close friends. Those friends that I see frequently in my daily life do not know one tenth about me that my 4 on line friends know.

I met 3 of these 4 wonderful people (the women) in two sex forums I was a member of; the forth, the guy I met through this blog. I really got into the first sex forum when I was in it, the second not as much; I am no longer in either. They were racy and exciting and titillating when I was in them but after a while I realized that they did not satisfy the need I had to interact with friends in an intimate way. I desired to develop relationships that allowed me to share the deepest erotic thoughts I had and share who I am as a person. I needed to have an outlet to express what part my sexuality plays in me as person. I must admit that I am grateful to those forums because they empowered me to write and express my erotic thoughts and eventually they inspired me to write this blog. I am grateful because they allowed me the first experience to openly talk about my complex sexuality to an audience. But mostly I am grateful to them because they gave me my 4 on line friends.

I have maintained my close friendship with these 4 people even though I have quit the forums. Aside from the sex forums I have maintained my involvement with two other specialized on line communities. They have made a significant contribution to my sexuality, they deserve mention. The two sites are The Aneros Forum and Dick Net.

The Aneros Forum is special to be because through the use of Aneros Prostate Massagers and the support and advice of the guys in the Forum I learned how to become anally orgasmic. By inserting Aneros Massagers I trained myself to discern the difference between various muscle sets and manipulate them to stimulate my prostate. The gentle stroking of my prostate with a massager combined with breathing and erotic imagery revealed the pleasure I was able to achieve through my anal tract. After becoming skilled with a massager I was able to learn to induce MMO’s without penetration. That is where I am now; I am anally orgasmic and I doing a session every day.

My gratitude to Dick Net is that it has provided a safe nonjudgmental forum to view guys in arousal and orgasm and it has provided a guilt free connection to straight and gay guys who like me are into the inherent sensual and erotic appeal of cocks and male orgasm. I still participate in both of these forums and I value them for the support and assistance and opportunity they provide. I do not know of another venue where gay and straight guys can talk openly about male sexuality and erotic appeal and admire cocks together. It’s truly unique and special.

So a few nights ago I was chatting with the guy (who I will call D) about the session I had the previous night. It was a particularly intense one. We were conversing about the profoundly pleasurable experience of MMO that I have. In the conversation he posed a question to me, asking me if I ever wondered whether readers of this blog thought that I was making up this MMO experience and that all of this was grand fiction. Later that night in bed I thought about his question. I put myself in the position of someone reading about this and indeed it seemed to me that it sounds so good that it seems like it must be fantasy or erotic science fiction. But I can attest it is not.

Almost each time I do a session, the sheer bliss of it seems too good to be true. I pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. When I write these entries I run out of creative words to describe the profound pleasure that radiates in my pelvis as my prostate makes the transition from aching with desire to relentless orgasmic spasms that make it pulse rhythmically as it pumps bliss throughout my body. The sensation is so exquisite, erotic, sensual, desperate, powerful and pleasurable that it transports me to another place. I use the words ecstasy, rapture and euphoria a lot in these entries because that it what I experience. MMO’ s transport me to a warm euphoric place that trivializes reality. In my case the euphoria I experience is induced by exercising my anal tract and engaging my mind.

I know how lucky I am that I have developed the ability to MMO and that I have developed the awareness and mind body control to guide it, allowing it to express its many complex dimensions. I have said many times in here that each session is different and even the erotic experience and sensual perceptions within each session are different. I also learn something each time I sail in a session.

I have learned to make my anal tract equally erotically with my orgasm as my cock is. I have made my nipples orgasmic triggers. If I am aroused enough I can stimulate my prostate to orgasm by nipple stimulation. I have gained enough skill to force my prostate orgasms to link together for thirty minutes straight of machine gun like pulsing spasms of pleasure or make them rise and fall in syncopated waves of back to back thick, syrupy ecstasy. I have learned to meld my mind and my prostate and my penile bulb to harmonize in the experience of profound euphoric pleasure.

I use the words launch and sail frequently here because that is what it is to me. When I launch I leave reality and go out to a sea of sensual ecstasy. As I start to experience the gripping sensation of the pleasure building I am no longer in a bed in a hotel or in my home, I see reality fall away as I retreat into the warm hazy euphoric corridors of my mind. When the sensation reaches an excruciatingly ecstatic plateau, I feel like I am indeed floating. I feel as if the sweet hands of feminine sensuality are suspending me, massaging my cock and perineum lovingly and reaching deep into my anal canal to tenderly milk the pleasure from my prostate.

Some time ago someone asked me the difference between an MMO orgasm and an ejaculative one. I described the MMO as a combination of the sensations of having a wet orgasm, a sneeze, and the muscular spasms of reverse peristalsis when I regurgitate. It is a feeling of erotic exhilaration, a sense of profound euphoria and a hunger for relentless pleasure; it is a thirst that can’t seem to be slaked. When an MMO pulses in me my anus, anal tract, perineum, balls, cock root, penile bulb and cockhead become one. The exquisite sensation of orgasmic pumping convulsions may start in any one of those spots and it may move from spot to spot as the orgasm reveals itself. But as I coax it further and further along and help it blossom into its full eloquence and erotic power, every part of me between my anus and the tip of my cockhead will convulse in glorious ecstasy filling my pelvis with rich resonating echoes of sweet thick pleasure and pumping euphoric biss throughout my body, When it is over an hour or more later I am intensely aroused. The aftermath of a session sets me up for a day of being a sensual man.

I have said many times in this blog that I am a sensual man. MMO opened the door for me to look at the world through a sensual lens and it also fed my daily perception of the world as a sensual place. I see erotic beauty all around me. It may be a conversation with a woman; it might be the tone of her voice, her scent, her figure, her hands or her essential femininity; she becomes elegantly sexual in my eyes. In the past I lusted after the vulgar eroticism of women’s bodies in pornography, now I see clothed or nude women with the same profoundly moving sense of beauty that I see in a sunrise or in an awe inspiring vista of landscapes, sea and sky.

But unlike all those visually appealing things, interaction with a woman stirs a visceral sexual response deep inside of me. The limbic heat rises in me from a hug or a smile or a kiss on the cheek; it will harden my cock and make my anus flutter. It makes my prostate swell and harden and my cock lengthen and ache with the heaviness of desire. As a result of MMO my production of “precum” has increased significantly. When the sexual warmth radiates in my pelvis, I drool copious volumes of my clear warm nectar in a warm stream from my pulsing cockhead.

My perception of men has changed too. I now appreciate male sexuality in a different way. I do not have the same visceral response to men in daily life that I have with women. I do not get turned on by interacting with a guy the way I do with a woman. However, the sight of an erect penis or a video of a woman or man stroking a rigid cock quickens my pulse. I watch in fascination when the guy contorts his face and is seized by ejaculation rigor mortis as his cock spews thick ropes of cum. The sight of a man experiencing orgasmic rapture hardens my own cock and makes it dribble with desire.

MMO and my new sensual perspective has removed my inhibitions and allowed me to share that common experience with a man. I have felt his cock in my mouth as I kneeled before him and held his ass cheeks in my palms. I felt his cockhead swell in my mouth in the moments before he reached his orgasmic crescendo. I now know the sensation of holding his shaft in my hand as I rested his rigid and taut frenular cleft on my tongue. I know the sensation of my tongue caressing and stroking his firm cockhead, cradling it as it pulses in my mouth filling my own mouth in pulses of his hot tangy cum. I know what it is like to massage his prostate with my finger and stroke his shaft, massaging his frenular cleft and prostate simultaneously until he spews his rich cream like a volcano. In the same liaison I have felt my balls tight in the desperation to shoot my load, resting tenderly on his soft languid balls as our cock slits kissed and we simultaneously erupted, mingling our white silken semen in a cocktail of lust that coated each others cockheads.

The change in me has made me reject labels of gay, straight, bi or whatever. I am an intensely sexual man who sees erotic appeal in life with men and women. I love talking about sex and writing about sex. Writing these blog entries and admitting my deepest erotic thoughts and memories gives me an erection. As I sit here crafting these entries my cock is hard and oozing pre cum. When I chat with my 4 friends on line I am hard, and if the conversations touch a particularly sensual spot, my heart races and the thirst of desire fills me. I love the sensation of arousal that comes from intimate sharing.

I have become shameless in my enjoyment of sexual experience. I do participate in on line video sessions with one or two people I trust and like. I find the act of casting aside my sense of being vulnerable or embarrassed to be very erotic. There is a bit of an exhibitionist in me and there always has been; before I denied it or hid it, now I celebrate it. However there is also a voyeur in me. I relish the sight of J or any woman experiencing sexual pleasure; seeing J writhing in ecstasy or a woman on a cam with her body rigid and trembling in the throes of orgasmic ecstasy is a powerful erotic stimulant for me. I will shortly be sixty two years old, not to sound fatalistic but I do have a heart condition that required extensive open heart surgery 7 years ago. My sense of mortality is acute. I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I refuse to walk towards that future and deny myself the opportunity to experience the various dimensions of my sexual curisoity. I relish erotic interactions of any type.

Perhaps most profound though is the impact that this all has had in my own bedroom. While I am turned on by a cam session with a female friend, and I relish the experience of having that friend witness me ejaculating a stream of cum at the end of a hour or more of on line intimacy that experience is superficial compared to the way I experience intimacy with J.

There has been a theme through this blog since the first entry. That theme is the erotic journey I am on and the doors it has opened to my erotic intimacy with J.

I am lucky in that I am still very much in love with her; we talk incessantly about experiences, anxieties and life in general. We are best friends. She is just as sexy as she was thirty years ago; at six foot tall and 130 lbs her nude 35 x 27 x 36 figure still hardens my cock and stirs my arousal.

I have become an extremely patient and observant lover as a result of my experience with Zen and my rewired experience of orgasm. A prostate orgasm is very akin to a woman’s experience of orgasm. It has both physical and psychological dimensions; as such I under stand J’s orgasms much better and I am now able to guide her to experience shuddering ecstasy. I savor the vicarious experience of her erotic rapture and I relish forestalling my own climax to have her experience hers and have me be part of it.

Cunnilingus continues to be my favorite form of intimacy with J; he cums much harder from my facile suckling of her clit and gentle massaging her vaginal opening and the inside of her pussy mouth with my fingers than by fucking. Fucking for us is an emotional mental source of pleasure more than it is a source of physical pleasure. The sensation of sliding my hyper aroused cockhead into the wet heat of her sucking cunt imparts an emotional high that is unachievable any other way. But as for a pure turn on I would rather have my face between her thighs, kissing her pussy opening with my warm lips. As her cream starts to flow and moisten my lips making them sticky with her passion, I am passionate to tongue stroke her silken pussy lips, and lick the dripping mouth of her pussy, sipping her warm orgasmic cream from her fleshy cup.

As for me my favorite means to ejaculation with J is to have her massaging my prostate with her finger and sucking my nipples eventually abandoning my nipples to have her suck my cock as she massages my quivering prostate. The resulting ejaculation will drill into my anus and squeeze my cock simultaneously as powerful jolts of erotic electricity course through my pelvis and force ropes of hot cum to fill her mouth. I have come to realize that for me at that desperately sweet moment of release, the rude becomes refined. The vulgar act of pissing my cum in her mouth becomes so vulgarly elegant that it spew with great force, hurling thick white ropes of jizz down her throat. There have been times when I have cum so forcefully, that in forcing the volume of my cum down her throat she has choked and sputtered.

This sexual journey, MMO and rewiring have changed me as a man. In no small part my maturity has also played a role. Part of the inspiration to write this admission of my sexuality is the fact that today is the birthday of my first girl friend and best friend as a teenager. At sixteen she was the first girl I fucked. I had the experience at a very young age of fucking a girl that I cared deeply about, it was profoundly erotic for a first fuck for both of us. I reminisce fondly that her first sexual experience culminated in an orgasm and a soulful kiss from a boy that cared about her. Sadly she passed away recently. I had not seen her in many years but we reconnected in email just before she died.

I realize how fleeting life is and how special eroticism and sensuality are to me. The act of recording my thoughts, reminiscences and experiences is extremely arousing for me. Writing this blog is an opportunity to tease my arousal and harden my cock every day or so but it also fills a need in me to record my thoughts and savor their exquisite eroticism. The bonus has been that because of the public forum this blog offers I arouse other people. The thought of having my writing harden and guys cock and convince him to stroke it and coax cum from his balls or have a woman read this and have her pussy mouth open and drool her passion is a powerful source of erotic satisfaction for me.

I am a sensual man and I love sharing my sensuality with all of you. This is a snapshot of what it is like to be me. There are no surprises here because you all know me. But in the quiet anonymity of the internet as I write this I wonder about all of you. Who are you all my readers, and what makes your erotic juice flow besides reading my openly lurid narratives? I guess that mystery is part of the erotic mystery that makes my life so interesting and sensual. I like that.